So I’m sitting in Delhi’s International Airport trying to wrap my head around what day and time it is here, and what day and time it is at home. For the last 36 hours I have been helpless against my body and mind.
In all honesty I have never experienced such an immediate reaction to something as I did when I crossed through the security check in Toronto. The trip has been long anticipated, this is true, but anyone privy to my preparation for this year long adventure knows that my attitude towards my trip prior to the departure date was to avoid talking about it. I convinced myself that it would be too difficult to discuss, that talking about it meant it was happening, and if it was happening I would have to think of everything I was leaving behind and the big question mark that lay ahead. So I’m not necessarily surprised by the degree of shock that I experienced while crossing through security at Pearson, but more by the immediacy with which it hit me. Picking up my bags from the conveyor belt, I waved goodbye to my mom, my dad, my sister, my sister-in-law, and my girlfriend, and turned and walked down an endless tunnel of fluorescent lighting and advertisements towards my gate.
It was at this point in time that the gravity of the situation really struck me. I’m leaving for a year (10 months I constantly reassure myself); I’m going to a weird, far off land where everything is different; I’m not going to know anyone there; no one will have anything in common with me; I’m not going to have any of the comforts of home; I’m not going to have any comforts! What was I thinking???
The reality is that I’m not entirely sure that I would be doing this if it had been offered to me again two weeks ago. When I applied for the job my life was completely different. I was frustrated with life at home. While I was in the midst of making my decision I wrote these words:
People tell me what they think I should do, but again, there is no overwhelming consensus. So how does the input of others help at all when it only deepens the divide? There is no middle ground. There is no compromise. There is only do I stay or do I go?
I take others' input for what it is. It is easy to tell someone what you think they should do. It is even easy telling someone what you would do if you were in their shoes. But they are not me, and they do not have to live with the decision. They get to make it and move on like it never happened. Meanwhile, if I stay I have to face the what if? And if I go I could very easily end up asking myself why did I? Pros and cons.
The temptation is there. I want to go. I also, conveniently, have no reason to stay, other than the fear of going, of course. At this moment in my life, I feel like I have become stagnant. The river of my life has flowed into a boggy marsh. But on the other side of the marsh the river has to flow again. The question is how do I get to the other side. Do I stay or do I go?
I want to grow and I feel like my head is already touching the ceiling here. What’s worse is that I’m convinced that the ceiling is lowering itself ever so slightly each day. At first it wasn’t so noticeable, but recently it has become quite uncomfortable. I can deal with discomfort, really I can, but if I want to continue to grow and the ceiling continues to descend, I’m afraid discomfort will quickly become excruciating pain.
Obviously I was not in the greatest place when I wrote that, but things quickly turned around. I met someone that I was (am) crazy about, my band was doing well, I had a part time job that I loved; all of a sudden the ceiling was rising and I was finding more space to breathe and to grow. But the decision had already been made.
The first leg of my trip was the toughest. I am taking pills for altitude sickness, and I’m not sure whether they might account for some of the physical discomfort I experienced, but nausea was the name of the game for almost 8 hours straight. I would get up and walk around, constantly going to the bathroom (a side effect of the pills); I would attempt to watch movies to take my mind off of the battle being waged in my belly; I would close my eyes and listen to music (hoping that I could escape like I did when I was lying on the floor of a friend’s tattoo shop in Thailand for 8 hours while he gave me a traditional bamboo tattoo); but for the first time in my life, music did nothing. Nothing did anything to help! And what’s worse is that in times of physical discomfort and pain, we tend to lose control of our minds, and mine had turned to doubt, questioning whether I had made a terrible mistake.
I don’t mean to suggest that I regret embarking on this adventure, only that I am having a difficult time remembering why it was that I was so eager to do it in the first place. Again, I’m sitting in the airport in Delhi, and I’m sure that the glare of fluorescent bulbs is making it difficult to see the brighter side of the what I’m doing, but let’s just put it this way: I’m in India and I’m quite certain that I’m the smelliest person for miles; I have been traveling for 36 hours and haven’t had more than two or three hours of sleep; I have all of my most precious possessions packed away snugly into a duffle bag, guitar case, knapsack and laptop bag; and I left behind an amazing family, the best friends in the world, and a girlfriend with whom things couldn’t have been going better.
But I’m telling myself that Alice didn’t know what lay down the rabbit hole until she dove in (or fell) head first! And it’s not like she landed in God-awful-land! For the love of dog, she landed in Wonderland! And if there is even the slightest possibility that I might emerge on the other side in some sort of real life fairly-tale acid trip, then how can I deny myself that. Bhutan awaits!